


Heaven

by shinyjun



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gay Awakening, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Sad, Self projection, anxiety attack, i dont even know, im sorry, juric, kind of, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26482084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinyjun/pseuds/shinyjun
Summary: Drip drop.The truth runs wildLike a tear down a cheekTrying to save face, and daddy heartbreakI'm lying through my teeth**or Juyeon lowkey having a panic attack about his sexuality
Relationships: Kim Sunwoo/Lee Juyeon (The Boyz), Kim Sunwoo/Son Youngjae | Eric, Lee Juyeon/Son Youngjae | Eric
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Just a bit of self projection based on Troye Sivan's song called Heaven.

Drip drop.

The truth runs wild  
Like a tear down a cheek  
Trying to save face, and daddy heartbreak  
I'm lying through my teeth

The sound of the clock above the kitchen sink blends into the turmoil going on in Juyeon’s mind. He had been sitting at the kitchen table for the past three hours, looking at the door that had seen Eric’s figure enter and leave for all those weeks. All the while Juyeon just sat at the table, watching him walk away. 

Ever since Juyeon had laid eyes on Eric, he knew there was something different about the younger boy. His eyes were so bright and his smile so big that you couldn’t help but smile or laugh along with him. Juyeon had never felt this way about another boy. He had always liked girls, always flirted and complimented them. He is straight. For the longest time, he had been told that he was supposed to marry a woman and have beautiful children with her and leave in the suburbs and be happy together and be-

Yes. That’s what he’s supposed to do, marry a woman and live happily. It’s what he wants...right?

After pointlessly staring at the door, Juyeon finally had the strength to get up and head to his room. But for some reason, his feet were heavy and his head began pounding, like a million hammers were coming down, one clink at a time. He grabbed his head, trying to stop the incoming dizziness that was inevitable at this point. He dropped to the floor. Head against the wall, hands covering his face. He couldn’t breathe.

This voice inside  
Has been eating at me  
Trying to replace the love that I fake  
With what we both need

Shit, he couldn’t breathe. Inhale 1-2-3-4-hold-4-3-2-1 exhale. His therapist had taught him that a couple of months back. He had been going to therapy for the past year because of the anxiety attacks he kept consistently having whenever he thought about…

Shit, breathe, breathe, breathe, Juyeon. You have this, just get up and drink water. Get up and drink water.

Going back into the kitchen, Juyeon couldn’t help but look at the blue and pink door. The bright color haunted his mind, the blue seemed to drip down onto the floor, the pink went up to the ceiling. Before he knew it, all he saw was blue and pink, the colors seemed to have overcome his vision, blurring everything together. 

Breathe.

Just breathe.

As he opened the fridge, his vision began to turn black and dark, little spots fading in and out. Thump-Thump, drip-drop- 

Awake, wide eyed  
I'm screaming at me  
Trying to keep faith and picture his face  
Staring up at me

**  
It was the next day and Juyeon was sitting at his kitchen table with Sunwoo. The other was staring at his friend, pity and worry swimming in his eyes. He had found the older boy resting on his couch at 8am after missed calls from the night before. He felt guilty that he couldn’t pick up his phone but he was trying and failing to console Eric. His younger friend had called him in the middle of the night, panicking and crying hysterically. 

“Juyeon, what happened? Why do you look like you got ran over by a train?”

Juyeon looked away, tears beginning to pool in his eyes, “...I just had a realy rough night last night, had an anxiety attack last night again...it was just one of those nights.”

“Hyung,” started Sunwoo, eyes beginning to water as well, “You were doing so well, did anything trigger the attack? Did something happen?,” Sunwoo paused, a dark look taking over his face, “Did someone do something to you?”

“No, I just- I was thinking over some things.”

“What things, hyung? Please tell me you weren’t contemplating-”

Juyeon was quick to interrupt Sunwoo, “No, no, don’t worry. I haven’t thought about that in a long time,” he then added with a dry, small, laugh, “I’m not that stupid. I’m better now.”

Sunwoo unconsciously let out a sigh of relief before looking at Juyeon once again. 

He grabbed for his hyung’s hands, looked up at him and asked if he wanted to share what happened.

“I was fine but then I started thinking about Eric and just how amazing he is as a person and how precious he is and then I realized that maybe I like him-I like him as more than a friend and oh God. Oh God, my parents are going to be disappointed and I’m going to get disowned and never allowed back home and things are just going to go to shit-”

“Hyung! Breathe, breathe, look at me,” Sunwoo reached up and cupped both of Juyeon’s cheek forcing him to look at him. The teary-eyed gaze that he received back was like a stab to his heart. Juyeon looked terrible, worn out, lifeless. The pain in his eyes was visible to anybody who even glanced at him. 

Inhale 1-2-3-4 hold 4-3-2-1 exhale and repeat.

Sunwoo held Juyeon’s hands while the other cried, waiting until the other’s babbling turned somehow comprehensible. 

“-and I just, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I am. I can’t be gay. It says so in the bible. I just can’t be.”

Sunwoo hesitated before saying,” Hyung, you don’t need to label yourself. Labels are stupid, it’s okay to like what you like. You don’t have to tell anybody what you are and you don’t have to identify with anything. As long as you’re happy, it’s ok.”

“Really?,” came a faint whisper from Juyeon. 

“Yes, hyung. I don’t label myself, I just love who I love.”

“oh.”

So if I'm losing a piece of me  
Maybe I don't want heaven?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and remember that you don't need to label yourself, just love, my bois.


End file.
